This is a small and simple story about how a friend’s gentle affirmation became my inner voice. (A much nicer inner voice than the one I’d been using.)
People who affirm are the best people, they really are. They use words as medicine to help heal our brokenness. We might not always believe what they tell us, but a good and consistent message will eventually stick and replay like a little affirmation earworm. The opposite is true, too. They say it takes 1000 thoughtful comments to erase the memory of a heartless one. I believe it.
My friend, Gloria, practices affirmation as though it's her religion. Gloria moved into the house next door shortly after I gave birth to our third and last baby. (Three children in four years seemed like enough.) It was a small miracle I showered daily and most days I was absolutely sure I was doing everything wrong. I was constantly getting in the way of myself.
Gloria told me every day that I was a wonderful person. Every single day. At first, I politely scoffed, thanked her, or just smiled. I’d been carrying my childhood grief story around with me for so long by then. I remembered my mother to be perfect and she wasn’t alive to tell me any differently. It’s hard to compete with a memory. But Gloria didn’t know about my story. She just saw that I needed a friend and so she was one.
In time, I began to believe all the nice things Gloria told me about myself. Days turned into years and she continued to anchor every conversation reminding me just how great I was. I began to feel a sense of familiarity with humor and self-forgiveness. It didn’t matter if I found a perfectly shaped peanut-butter handprint on the left breast of my blouse after running a million errands that day. Gloria and I would laugh and laugh and she would say,
“Suzanne, you are just amazing the way you get so much done and still take such beautiful care of your children.”
Just like that, the focus shifted from P, B, and breast to my capable mothering.
Generosity like that doesn’t just happen in a vacuum, it's cultivated. I’ve met Gloria’s family and they are very kind. I learned much later she, too, experienced early parental loss. It makes sense Gloria could see into my heart. People who know grief and pain are anchored in empathy. And they know words of affirmation are a path to healing. What we allow into our hearts will find a home in our souls. May you treat your own heart like that of a small child. Settle into a place of gentleness with yourself. After all, you really are a wonderful person.
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